SSW

After almost 2 years in my job, I finally feel like I'm getting in my groove.  The first year was a complete learning curve for me.  It was overwhelming, especially in the beginning before I had an assistant, and looking back, I honestly don't know how I made it through.  I was literally thrown to the wolves.  Things have calmed quite a bit but as my consultant says, with the turnover and number of patients we have, I am still doing the job of about 2 1/2 people.

I love my job most of the time time.  Obviously there is burnout here and there (mostly with paperwork!) but that's one of the things you sign up for when you go into this field.  It's those rewarding moments when I really see how I've helped a situation or improved an individual that I really love what I do.  I've learned working in the medical field and especially being the only social worker in the facility, that other professionals do not have the same outlook on people than I do.  Typically their mindset when there are issues is, "Why isn't this individual fitting in this environment??" whereas my inclination is, "What in this environment could be the cause of these behaviors?"  Sometimes there are very easy fixes in resolving disturbances.  Sometimes they're more complicated.  What I've continually had to remember is that not everyone realizes that just listening sometimes and having some compassion can usually resolve a lot of things.  

I have frustrating days of course.  Long days where the paperwork is never-ending and I feel I will never dig myself out.  But then I get those "boosts."  My boosts this week came in the form of compliments from two very successful individuals.

The first was a retired cop.  He was no ordinary cop but one that worked the streets of a major city for many years including dealing with the riots of that time.  He is very sought after still and travels the world doing training.  He has seen and dealt with things that I'm sure haunt him at times.  My hat was off to him.  He stopped by my office door one day and we started talking.  He started thanking me for my work in this field saying he knew what it entailed and that he had much admiration for me and my service.  For this individual that I know has seen more, done more, dealt with more to give any recognition my way...I was very humbled to say the least.

The second was the daughter of a patient.  She is in town and stopped at my office asking if I was the social worker.  She explained that she is as well.  I asked more about her career and she explained that she had her PhD and was working as a professor.  Just as I was feeling somewhat inadequate with my mere Bachelor's and SSW licensure, she said, "I may have that but I'm not one of the brave ones like you that is actually doing the work."  Again, honored.  

There are times when I've wished I could remember or keep a record of the people I've interacted with and who I've had the privilege to have a part in their lives.  The number I know would be astronomical and will continue to climb.  I'm sure most people will never remember me and I usually assume that will be the case.  My idea of heaven would be to get to visit with these individuals again when it is my time.  I hope that will be the case.

For now the work continues.  If my day has consisted of making someone feel better about themselves, their environment, be a listening ear, a voice of kindness and encouragement, and problem solve in accordance with them, then I feel like it has been a success.

Engagement Pics

Last night Bob and I had our engagement pictures taken.

It almost didn't happen.

Bob has been dealing with a nasty head cold the last few days and it was just about down to the wire whether he'd be good enough to go.  Thank goodness for the gracious pharmacist that gave me her best recommendation to ease his symptoms without making him comatose.  Whatever it was worked and he made it through.  Poor guy.  What a trooper.

The setting was amazing.  I told Bob this is what my heaven will look like.  Totally my style.  I officially put in my request to him to have a backyard with a Secret Garden door which were plentiful around there.  It can't be that complicated, right?  He didn't say anything and just smiled sooooo I'm assuming that means he was in agreement.

Back to the pics.  Is there anything MORE stressful than getting pictures taken?  Ugh.  It's just a complete stress-fest for me.  It was the 11th hour when we finally got our outfits pulled together.  The pics are an integral part of our ceremony so they weren't just all fun, happy, "we love each other more than anyone else" pics.  They were story-telling of our lives before, and then when we met each other.  The photographer (which I researched for forever) was amazing.  He totally caught onto my vision and had some great ideas.

2 1/2 hours later we were done.  TWO AND A HALF hours.  We were beat.  I had a 1/2 second of stress-relief.........and then started worrying about how they'll come out.  They are a part of the ceremony, not to mention the invitation.  The photographer was totally confident in what we got.  Me?  I'll worry until I see them and then critique the heck out of myself.  That's what we girls do.  I think.  Or maybe it's just me...  Bob of course will look perfect in every one.  Have I mentioned how handsome he is?

My favorite part of last night were those moments when Bob would just look into my eyes.  There was no hint of being fake or putting on an act for the pictures.  (Anyone who knows Bob know that what you see is what you get!).  The look in his eyes was pure love.  I think I fell in love with him all over again.  That man.  He taught me what love really is and what it means to be cherished.

So even if I look fat and my hair is too big and blowing crazily in the wind, if it means it's one step closer to being his wife, then I'll take it.  Just tell me I look amazing and we'll all pretend it's okay.  Okay?

Wedding Planning

Last night Bob and I went through songs for our couple video and wedding video. That's right, we've hired a videographer. My, my don't we sound like we've made it in the world. 10 years ago, videography was a rarity. Now it's a must. When we went through our budget for the wedding (ha! budget!) there were many things I didn't care about, but we both felt like if we were going to invest money, then the memory keepsakes were where it was at, i.e. pictures and video.

At one point in time, we contemplated just heading to Vegas. Darn sentimentality, kids being part of the ceremony, friends and family being there put the kabosh on that plan. I'm pretty sure wedding planning has gotten 10x more complicated (and expensive for that matter) than it was 10 years ago when I got married. Planning the last time around just seemed....simple.

Maybe that's because my mom did most of it.  Hmm.

Now, with each additional detail, despite our declaration to everyone that "this is our second wedding, we are keeping it simple"  I continually find myself telling Bob, "Man, I'm too old for this!" It's just odd to be doing it not necessarily at this age, but...again. Most things I don't care about. No, I don't care what color the napkins are. Other details have been in my mind since the day we were engaged. I wrote out a list the other day of things that still need to be done and it was over 4 pages long. Let me repeat that.  FOUR pages long.  First of all, I'm not a list person because, well, it just overwhelms me. But 4+ pages (I guarantee you there are about 3 more pages of things I haven't thought about) is just too much to keep in a brain that is already overflowing. That list has since been neatly tucked (or crammed in the deepest, darkest corner - take your pick) in my purse. Outta sight, outta mind, was what I was going for. Ha!

I don't know what I was thinking one day when I gave Bob the instructions that he just needs to show up (and write his vows of course. I'm sure he would jump at the chance if I wrote them for him but well, that's just awkward. But MAN, they would be good). Luckily, my man is pretty easy going and just lets me fly with whatever's in my head at the time. We tend to have the same taste in just about everything, too, so I think he trusts me. And he's a guy. Let's face it.

Wedding date - CHECK
Wedding dress - CHECK
Venue - CHECK
Videographer hired - CHECK
Photographer hired - CHECK
Suits for the boys and dress for Natalia - CHECK
My vows written - CHECK
Flowers for bouquet purchased - CHECK
Plan for hair and makeup and location - CHECK

I will spare you the TO DO list. It may depress you. Or make you glad you're already married. Or never got married. Or will never, ever get married again.  Just pray your kids never want to get married. Or, just start saving now and give them a big, fat check. That's my plan. Hmm. Suddenly that Vegas plan is sounding appealing again.

Lest you think I'm ungrateful for this chapter of my life, rest assured, I am so happy, so thrilled, so excited to marry this amazing man. All the details will come together and it will be the wedding I have been envisioning. I may need to invest in some hair dye for the additional gray hairs and Botox for the furrow in my brow but man, will it make me look that much more amazing on my wedding day! Just don't ask me to show emotion. That forehead ain't going anywhere.

Next Chapter

7 years ago, I started blogging.  I was a little timid about it at first but then jumped in with both feet.  It proved a way to keep in touch with friends, document our little lives, and have an outlet for my love of writing.  I'm so grateful for that blog and memories I have that otherwise would have been long forgotten.  Blogging seems to becoming (or already is) a lost art.  I only have a handful of friends that continue to blog and I admit, it's hard to keep up.  One sentence updates via Facebook, Twitter, etc seems to be the way of the present and future.  Vlogging (video version of a blog) is the newest thing.  I admire those that feel confident enough in themselves and are entertaining enough to capture people's attention through those means.  Me?  Not sure I'm willing to put myself out there that much.  

When I went through my divorce, my life turned upside down.  I was a single mom, didn't feel like sharing the details of my life at the time, and had absolutely zero time for hobbies (such as blogging).  That was the death of my blog.  The longer I went without, the more overwhelming it felt to even get started again.  There have been times I've really missed that outlet and if I really thought about it I'm sure the guilt of the lack of documentation of my littles would make me sad.  

My chapter as single mom was so many things.  Sad, tough, busy, liberating, growing, and happy.  That will be another post in and of itself.  There was just no room for blogging in that chapter.

But now.  Now I'm starting yet another new chapter in my life.  I am engaged to the love of my life and in less than two short months will be blending two families to one.  Life is exciting, full of joy, stress, hardships, and new adventures.  In this chapter, blogging will hopefully take its place once again.  The frequency and content is still TBD.  I have no more time than I did before but the timing feels right.  Here goes nothing!